You might wonder why anyone would want to “recover” from being a people-pleaser, as they sound like nice people. But there’s more to it than that.
A people-pleaser puts other people’s needs before their own and is constantly seeking approval (often sub-consciously). They want to avoid conflict and that stops them from expressing their own views. The problem is that by putting others’ needs before your own, you don’t get your own needs met, and if that goes on for too long it can lead to frustration, resentment, and ultimately to burnout.
It’s very common for women to be people-pleasers. It can be due to being the primary carer of children, but you don’t have to be a parent to be a people-pleaser.
The good news is that change is possible. If you recognise yourself in the description above, you’re already at the first stage of change, which is awareness.
The next step is to notice in what situations you put other people first, and to analyse why.
One of the easiest ways to do that is to use a journal to write down when you notice that you’re sacrificing your own needs for those of others. Ask yourself why you’re doing that in a particular situation. If you journal those situations for a few days or weeks, you’ll be able to spot any patterns of behaviour, which will help you to see the areas in which you want to change.
The next step is to focus on you, and what you like to do. If it’s been so long since you did anything just for you that you’ve forgotten what you like, think back to what you loved to do as a child. The chances are that you’ll still love it now. Make a list of the things you love to do, or used to love doing. Then commit to doing one of those things. Your goal is to do one thing you love every day but while you’re starting this process, focus on doing it once a week. Make sure you commit to it and don’t make excuses to put it off.
Next, learn to say no. It can be hard when you’re used to saying yes, so start with something small, and congratulate yourself when you’ve done it. You may feel guilty putting yourself first for once so remind yourself that you absolutely deserve to have your needs met. This will become easier the more you practise it.
Finally, start listening to your inner voice and act on what it tells you. Trust your gut instincts and what they tell you about whether to agree to something or not. Meditation is a great way to tune in to your inner voice, as is just sitting in stillness for 10 minutes a day.
Changing a lifetime habit takes time but it is possible if you’re committed. If you need support through the process, book a free discovery call to find out if I can help you.
